I’ve Got Some Major Wood

The glorious(?) return of Moose Knuckle.

Sorry I have not been around for a while.  I’ve been preparing for a momentous occasion.  Tomorrow, I will undergo X-Ray vision correction surgery.  So what do you do any day before surgery?  Watch television of course.  As I was flipping though the channels, I cam upon a marathon of sports, if you will.  An event of epic proportions is on ESPN the Deux (I went French there).  A sporting event so magnificent, the Greek gods themselves would bow before its greatness.  “What sporting event is it,” you ask.

The ESPN Timbersports series of course.  I mean seriously, what the hell is going on with sports coverage these days?  Is everything worthy of ESPN? Who actually watches this and takes it as a legitimate sport?  Then I remembered NASCAR has quite a few fans, so my shock quickly subsided.

If you have not witnessed the TimberSports series, I urge you to watch it.  You have great athletes(?) competing in events such as who can cut three slices off a log with a chainsaw the fastest.  This would be like the 100 meter dash, if we were watching track and field.  Now I respect the manliness of a chainsaw.  It’s only natural to want a powerful machine with a spinning chain of razor sharp blades between your legs.  But, I usually have to buy DVDs of that at the Erotic Boutique near my [Ed. note: parents’] mansion.

Next, was an event where competitors chopped logs with an axe.  Again, fastest time wins. So really, what’s next, an old dude whittling a stick into a likeness of Megan Fox’s vaj?  [Ed. note: I’ll put my whittling stick in Megan Fox’s vag] Actually, that might hold some merit  (I digress).  So these guys have to chop up this 9-inch log until is splits in half.  True, it is  show of strength, but…well… I guess you have to be there.

Other events include the who can climb a 25-foot tree the fastest.  It was so tense, I almost defecated on myself in anticipation [Ed. note: link added].  The boom run, where – I shit you not – people run across logs without falling off into the water.  Another event also involves a big log in the water (no not a turd in a pool) with  two people standing on it trying to spin it with their feet in order to get the the other one to fall off.  Oh my God, this is better than the Masters AND the Super Bowl combined.

I'm soooo wet!

Now, I did not watch all of the shows in a row, but I also witnessed the sawing of wood the old fashioned way.  That’s right with a good ole hand saw and some one spraying lube on the blade in order to reduce friction.  I always like to lube up when I’m throwing my wood around.

I’m not trying to knock these guys too bad… let’s face it, they could kick my ass and then chop me up with a saw.  I must give respect where it is due.  I could not do many of these events.  However, I must ask who in the hell came up with the idea to have this as an organized event?  Who at ESPN decides this is entertaining television programming? [Ed. Note – The same guy that green-lights Poker, Bowling, Pool, Spelling Bees, Darts and Spurs basketball games.]

What’s next?  A televised circle jerk?  Oh wait, they already have it, it’s called American Idol.  It may not be on ESPN, but still.  I just feel we have come to the day when anything can be considered a sport and any sport is worth being on TV.  Take poker for example.  I’ll admit it was cool at first, but now I’d rather watch the Real Housewives series – at least they beat the shit out of each other emotionally [Ed. note: we won’t watch Real Housewives until it’s physically beating the shit out of each other and topless, or at least the latter].  I fear the day is upon us when I’ll turn on the Deux and find a connect four tournament going on.  (I saw a yo-yo contest on fox sports a few months back.  Really?)

Are you ready for polo, camel racing,  pinewood derby racing, trick fornication, and muff diving all to be on TV?  Well the last two are, but you have to pay for it.  Why not have water sliding on TV?  Just go to Splash Town and set up the video camera.  Who can stay standing in the wave pool the longest.  Exciting.

A tip of my hat you STIHL TibmerSports and ESPN.  Thank you for the filler programming.  Never have I more enjoyed the sports of the less educated.  I must run now, women’s golf is coming on and I need to straighten my shafts.

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle [with extremely minor contributions from Septimus Rex and Pipez]

[Photos from STIHL Timbersports Gallery: Here and here]

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