Septimus Rex
Johnny 5
Pipez
wanksmacgruber
Josh Being Josh
Moose Knuckle
The one where I take steriods and bitch about the worst woman in the world.
The worstest person in the world.
Watch this video first. WATCH IT NOW.
Before we go to Kate Gosselin, if I come across as “mean” or “aggressive” or “roid rage-ish”, it’s because I am. I went to the doc yesterday because of an allergic reaction, and the nurse shot a steriod into my butt, which is fantastic on like 3 different levels. So if you don’t like the tenor of this post, what are you doing here? I told you to get out!!!!
Kate Gosselin is the worst person in the world. Two months ago I actually wrote a post comparing her to Kim Jong Il, but then couldn’t figure out how to make a sports connection and deleted it. So I’m not Johnny Come Lately to the Kate Gosselin Hatewagon. I’m driving the sumbitch, and have been so since The Random Baby Momma got preggers. Let’s start at the start.
If you don’t have a baby, or a pregnant wife/girlfriend, or one who desparately wants to be pregnant, you have no idea who the fuck Kate Gosselin is. If you have or are any of the above, you know exactly who the fuck she is. As soon as your significant other becomes pregnant, your TV only picks up one channel and the DVR only records Jon and Kate Plus 8 and 18 Kids And Counting. Now the Baptist wife from 18 is crazy as shit, but she is very nice. Kate Plus 8 (and probably Minus Jon, the way things are going) is crazy and mean and a femo-nazi. Those of you who are in the “with child” category are nodding your heads sadly. She is Lucifer. She is a vag-strocity. She is Kyle’s Mom.
I’ve never rooted for marital infidelity before, but I don’t blame Jon at all if he is humping around with anyone who isn’t Kate. He can hump a college student, or dirty dance with two girls, or have relations with a goat. Whatever he needs to recover from the PTSD of being married to Kate, who by the way isn’t a fucking saint herself. The lesson is, never get married. I don’t think you bachelors out there understand how important this is, so I’ll put it in caps. WOMEN ARE THE DEVIL! SAVE YOURSELF!
On to your local Houston Sports Updates that actually talk about sports:
Rockets: Not sure what to say here that hasn’t already been said. Since we’s all in a singin’ mood – From the moment I wake up, until I put on my makeup…I say a little prayer for Deke! Forever and ever he’ll stay in my heart and I will love him! Together forever that’s how it should be, but it is only heartbreak for meeeeee….
Astros: Good Lord Astros, 15 runs? You might want to space out the offensive explosion. Every starter had a hit, including man-scaper Mike Hampton.
Dynamii: They play again on October 16 against the New York Red Bull. I’m not making that team name up. When FaF gets filthy rich enough to start doing crazy shit like flying to the moon, I’m buying a soccer franchise for the Random Hometown of Lexington, Kentucky and naming it the Lexington Mint Julip. Not Julips with an “s”, because that would be ridiculous. Here, go vote for Brian Ching and whomever else plays for the Dynamo for the All Star match. By the way, if FaF is NSync (see two links ago), Pipez is totally Lance Bass.
Texans: OTAs start Monday. Here is an article about Nick “Fergie Ferg” Ferguson and his fooseball journey. Here is another about Amobi Okoye’s work in Africa. It is going to be a loooong summer. At some point we’re just going to start making shit up. By mid-July, every day you’ll be treated to a new headline like “Zac Diles linked to Perez Hilton” and “Owen Daniels Quits Football to Focus on Dairy Farming”.
Coogs: Kevin Sumlin is starting his road tour. Hopefully he’ll recruit some badass talent by making them think he is Mike Tomlin. Also, the girls softball team has a summer camp, which is my excuse for this picture. That is a lot of talent for a softball team, if you get my meaning.
Coogs House? Who knew?
http://grfx.cstv.com/photos/schools/hou/sports/w-softbl/auto_wide_new/3204448.jpeg
5 Comments
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Where are the American Idol and America’s Top Model show recaps? Sheesh.
Don’t mock. When you get married some day, you’ll understand the importance of this post. I’m not joking. If I can save one life, just one, then it was all worth it.
I’m completely content with living vicariously through your futility at the moment.
if people would just leave them alone and let them solve thier prblems they wouldnt be lke that this is why kate acts like a bitch cause this funking bitch on here has a funkin attitude and is ruining thier whole familys life the only reason she stood up for jon cause she likes him. and people please think about someday when the kids read this they have to deal wit this too you know what just leave this family alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lol Brianna if their kids ever read a random post on a sports satire blog, it will mean we’ve hit the big time!
People who go on TV have to right to say that other people shouldn’t talk about them. It goes with the territory. Don’t sign a contract and rake in the money and the freebies if you don’t want to also expose yourself to scrutiny.