People We’d Like to Sue

Since the concept of legal action as a means to channel pent up sexual frustration general annoyance has been on the top of FaF mind as of late, it seemed prudent to come up with an exhaustive list of everyone we’d like to sue. On a related note, we’re looking for new legal counsel since our old one (Shane Shamwow) didn’t immediately pick up the phone during our most current time of need. Shane, it’s a Sunday, where were you? It’s not like you go to church or believe in Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior. Dear Reader: if you’re a lawyer, or just an aggressive asshole who has watched too much Law & Order, email us – you might just be the next Fourth and Fifty General Counsel. On to the list.

People We Would Like to Sue

Tracy McGrady.  We’ll sue you for nonperformance on your contract. To start, we want our $21 million dollars back. Next, quit selling your team down the river. Last, quit showing up to training camp with a potbelly and a beard to hide your double chin. And by the way, is that a Vogue you’re reading in this picture?

 

 

 

 

 Drayton McClain.  We’ll sue you under the freedom of information act to open up your financial records. Are you really losing a ton money and only own the team for the love of the game, even if it bankrupts you? Or do you make money hand-over-fist but have clever ways of hiding it? We have an accountant on staff, so don’t bullshit us. Also, just call rebuilding what it is. And admit your team sucks this year. Sucks. Admit it. Being honest with yourself is the first step toward recovery.

 

 

God. We’ll sue you for breaking the MLB non-compete clause.  You’re the one who told Andy Pettite to go back to the Yankees. Why’d you do us like that, God? I thought we were homies. 

 

 

 

 

 

Debbie Clemens. Quite frankly, we’d sue you for this picture alone. Yikes. But what we’re really suing you for is the “P” word. That’s right – perjury. How dare you take a bunch of steroids (HGH, whatever, it’s not like anyone really understands the difference) and then let your husband take the blame for years and then come clean before Congress? We spent years thinking poor Roger was a juicer and it turns out it was just you, the entire time! 

 

 

 

 

 

Charlie Casserly. We’ll sue you for fraud. You sound so competent on TV, it made the Texans hire you the first time. How did that work out for us?  David Carr, Tony Hollings, Jason Babin, Travis Johnson, et cetera, et cetera.  (This is the closest perp-picture I could find.) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dana Dimmel. I swear to goodness, I can’t find a picture of Double D on the interwebs. I spent 20 minutes looking, which is longer than you’ve ever looked for good porn. Admit it. Here is the funny thing – half of the google image searches for Dana Dimmel are your good buddies at FaF.  Look it up. Anyway, we’re suing Double D for brand dilution. Unless you consider 0-11 something that doesn’t subtract value. Fuck you, Double D. (Still bitter. It’s only been 8 years.)

 

 

Clyde Drexler. Don’t give us that “hey, buddy” look and finger point. We wrote a damn tome on how much we hate you. We’re suing you for Failure to Appear as the head coach of UH’s men’s basketball team. Oh wait, you were there for the games? Were you there for the practices? Did you recruit anyone other than Alton Ford? Did you even try to talk him into staying by saying, “Look, no one wants to draft a pudgy 10 and 8 college freshmen. Do P90X for a summer, come back for a good sophomore season, and then make the jump“? Did you even call him? Do we have proof?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vince Young. We’re suing you for felony murder, since you murdered the concept of titties for the rest of us (see pic).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bud Adams.  We’re suing you for ne exeat (a legal paper requesting that a person be required to remain within the jurisdiction of the court). Too late? We’ll get Dog the Bounty Hunter to go across state lines to extradite your ass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dallas (Ed Note – the city, not the show, silly). You suck. Cowboys suck. Mavericks suck. Stars suck. We haven’t figured out what to sue you for just yet, but be certain it will involve you sucking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rice University. You’re supposed to be an institute of higher learning. But instead we get the MOB, Night of Decadence (really not that decadent), a streaker’s club, and a football team that won’t even accept badass walkons. We’re suing you for false advertising.

 

 

 

 

Us. Deal with it.

Fourth and Fifty. We’re suing ourselves for having a hung jury. A well-hung jury, for that matter. Our jury hangs down to our knees. Pwnd, self!

 

 

 

 

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