FaF Team Profile: The Los Angeles Lakers

On the heels of our award-winning Joel Przybilla biopic, we couldn’t make up our mind about which Laker to cover. Why choose? Obama won so we’re all communists/socialists anyway. Why not cover the entire team?  Brilliant! Thanks, self!  Here are your 2008-2009 Los Angles Lakers.   

The most ass-centric team ever.

Here are your Los Angeles Lakers of Los Angeles.  You look great! I’m just kidding – you look like crap. (Sorry, The Random Baby Momma has Bring It On Again going in the other room.)

Phil Jack-son, Head Shrink: Lots of titles, all with Jordan and Middle School Jordan (see below).  Is he a brilliant basketball mind? Is he even a brilliant psychologist? It is hard to tell because no one has been as self-assured in their intellectual superiority since this guy.  Inconceivable!  If I was 6’5″ and smug and had a beard, everyone would think I was smart as shit, too. Also, if the subject of asses was such a huge topic last summer, why did PJ let the Lakers wear short shorts this year? I’m not a psychotherapist, but could there be a problem with asses somewhere in the Phil Jackson iceberg? How did his childhood potty training go?  

Kobe Bryant, Prima Donna: First things first, he is still the best player in the game.  Having said that, Slate did an excellent piece several years ago about Bryant’s blatant plagarism of everything Jordan.  And he’s done a decent job at it – he’s the Middle School Jordan.  Nothing wrong with that.  Nothing wrong with him being a self-contained eco(ego?)system that repulses people faster than Bio Dome.  Nothing wrong with the fakeness with which he carries himself and interacts with others.  Nothing wrong with adultery or $4MM bribes. Nothing wrong with stabbing people in the back when it suits your purpose. Nothing wrong with trying to wrest creative control of a documentary covering you. Nothing wrong with being one of the biggest hot-damned ballhogs in the history of basketball. So I guess I don’t have anything negative to say about Kobe.      

Pau Gasol, Effeminate Wingman: Don’t like the hair, don’t like the weak-ass game, don’t like that he circumvented responsibility and the potential of greatness to ride its coattails. (If this didn’t bug me in March, please remember it is PLAYOFF TIME, BITCHES!) He definitely wears the skirt in the Kobe relationship.  Not the “butch”, if you catch my meaning.  My meaning is that they’re lesbians, and he role-plays the feminine archetype in said relationship. It’s also slightly disturbing that his little brother is a hardass gansta and Gasol is the embodiment of the effeminate Euro big stereotype.  

Andrew Bynum, Projectus Infinitum: See, here is the thing.  Every once in a while he does this:

But he’s a 14 and 8 guy. Will he ever not be a 14 and 8 guy? Don’t give me some “the numbers are a product of the system” crap. Only time will tell. Maybe one day he’ll grow to be a 15 and 9 guy. Until then, he’s his own syllogism. Res ipsa loquitar. But I really don’t have anything bad to say about the guy, other than he looks like the tall guy from Fat Albert. That show was the shit, yo.

Lamar Odom: Out of respect for his perseverance in overcoming very tough life obstacles, I won’t say anything condescending or inappropriate.  He was drafted too high and hyped too much (remember when The Franchise and Cat Mobley lobbied to trade the Yao pick straight-up for Odom?), but he’s matured into a very good player and I’m happy for him.

Derek Fisher: Same as Odom – respect and admiration. Limited point guard, classy individual, great father and man.

Trevor Ariza, Reformed Knucklehead?: Proof that systems make players. Some Eastern Conference team is going to end up giving him an Austin Croshere contract once this recession is over.  Until then? Good fit, great value.  Can you tell I’m biding my time until Sasha Vujacic?

Jordan Farmar, Premature Evacuation: Everyone (including me) was waiting for him to break out and take Fisher’s job full-time.  He does basketball yoga, which is like regular yoga with a basketball-themed mat and instructor that costs 5 times more than anyone else. He was even on one of those Fox Sports Science shows that scientifically examined hang time. That was cool as shit. So wha’ happened? Did he blow his load too early like Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait? Pretend you didn’t like that movie, and pretend like you didn’t like Mean Girls.  We’ve written about the subject extensively, and you’re a liar.

Sasha Vujacic. The entire profile was going to be on him, but a video is worth 1,500 words:

A Lakers fan with a sense of humor? That makes one.

Adam Morrison, Lost Soul: From his wikipedia page: “Morrissey’s sardonic, literate lyrics tend to be “dramatic…bleak, funny vignettes about doomed relationships, lonely nightclubs, the burden of the past and the prison of the home.”^[3] His “forthright, often contrary opinions” led to a number of media controversies, and he has also attracted media attention from his advocacy of vegetarianism and animal rights.”   Perhaps if he spent more time on his day job than his musical passion he’d find his Stache Power again. Is there any white person in America who didn’t closely follow Morrison and JJ Redick during that magical tournament? Given JJ’s resurgence with the Magic, maybe there is still hope for The Stache. 

Everyone Else: Meh. Although I do plan to book DJ Mbenga for my daughter’s Sweet 16.  Go DJ!

Rox in 7.

Photo from here.

7 Comments

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Comments RSS