Septimus Rex
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wanksmacgruber
Josh Being Josh
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College Football Performance Awards, how about a hug?
You heard it hear first. Well actually, you may have heard it here first. Whatever, don’t get all semantical on me.
Case Keenum, Bryce Beall and Tyron Carrier have been named among the favorites, along with approximately 17,000 others at their respective positions. The full listing can be found here. They even have a trophy for kickoff specialist, the only one in the nation, bitches.
Here is the “purpose” of the organization:
The goal of the College Football Performance Awards is to provide the most scientifically rigorous conferments in college football. CFPA recipients are selected exclusively based upon objective scientific rankings of the extent to which individual players increase the overall effectiveness of their teams.
Science, motherfucker! Fuck the Heisman, Case Keenum will destroy you with science! This group has its own award presentation, trophy and everything! The lovely Shelley LaRue displays last year’s trophy above. Yes, this thing has its own website, complete with a models page. Yes, it’s run by a single guy. Single as in only one person. He could have a lovely wife and 2.2 children for all I know.
And I know your next question: What, pray tell, is this objective, scientific researcher’s IQ? And how about his GRE score?! I MUST KNOW THIS INFORMATION!!! Check out the site. 153, and 800/800 accordingly.
Chase Clement was ranked as the most effective quarterback last year. So, Houston-area quarterbacks are basically guaranteed to win every year.
- Wanks MacGruber
[Original image replaced by a Free Hug because we don't want to get sued]
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From the site: To declare A the rushing leader merely based upon A’s standing in rushing yards per game without careful review of other factors and considerations is at best — a cursory and superficial analysis, and at worst — a specious and obfuscatory one.
That was the end (climax?) of a very long paragraph explaining why yards per carry is more important than total yardage. It was a very long paragraph. Why say something in 3 words when you can use 15? He’s all Cartesian and shit - it will blow your mind. Not really. I guess it would if you never considered that total yardage wasn’t necessarily the best measure of individual productivity. If this is the case, then it will BLOW YOUR MIND.