The FaFU: Beer Goggles, Pirates, A-Roid et al.

The FaFU:  A guide to everything that’s happened in the last week (sports or otherwise) that really gets my goat.  But, do you know what really (really) gets under my skin?  The fact that nobody understand “FaFU;”  not even our own writers.  It’s not pronounced “fafoo”or “eff A eff U.”  It’s “faf-YOU.”  We’re not making our own university.  This isn’t ESPNU over at the world-wide leader.  The FaFU is my attempt to rebrand Eff You.  Geez!  Work with me, people.

Sir? Excuse me, sir? You probably want to get that sore checked out.

10) Beer Goggles – Do we really need to employ a case study to find out if Beer Goggling is real?  Tell you what… Just come out with me tomorrow night and we’ll see what kind of talent ends up in the cross-hairs.  I’m telling you right now, it won’t be pretty (and neither will she, ZING!).  Plus, beer goggling is soooooo frattastic.  I’ve upgraded to Scotch goggling.  This is going to be an expensive case study.

9) English (Pirate) – For those of you on (the) Facebook, are you aware that you can now change the language on your home page to the dialect of “Pirate?”  I am NOT shitting you.  Bottom of he page, left-hand side, click “English (US)” and the options get pulled up.  Choose “English (Pirate) beta.”  I can’t tell if this is awesome or annoying.  Now instead of being single, unemployed and living in my parents’ basement, I’m “missing yer wench,” “cap’n of scallywags” and “just’r sawrry losarrrrrr.” (You can be a fan of Fourth and Fifty on Facebook, just so you know)

8) NFL Draft – Congrats to Sebastian Vollmer and all, but fuck you NFL teams.  You can’t go on ignoring the University of Houston forever.  We will make the big time in the NFL at some point.  You stuck the Kolbatron on the back burner after he was drafted.  You Brady Quinned him way too deep in the depth chart (The Department of Redundancy Department).  Stop ignoring our prodigal sons.

7) The Pink Sock – Possibly NSFW (and by “possibly” I mean “completely”).  Ladies (maybe) and gentleman, I reveal to you the state of our society.  Here is a cartoon strip unveiling the Pink Sock.   You have been warned here, and you will warned again when you have to click the disclaimer.  Or you can just go directly to this censored version.

6) Performance Art – Really?  This bus/train/airport/subway stuff has been done.  Just because your video title is in some sort of indecipherable language doesn’t make it original.  Yeah, “Doe a Deer,” that’s fucking original.

5) Free Hugs – Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for free hugs (as long as it’s your pikachu hugging my squirtle [know what I'm sayin']).  But, free hugs from the PoPos is not what I’m about.  Don’t try to make me wear a helmet.  I get bad flashbacks.  I was the kid with pillows strapped to every limb when I went out riding on my Big Wheel.  Some would say my parents were over-protective.

4) MLB Network – Awkwaaaaaaaaaard! “Dude.  Dude.  What’s wrong with you?”  Some guy is getting carted off with a neck brace and you’re wondering if that’s Donovan McNabb helping out the EMS crew?  Points for being awkward on live television.  Points for being clueless.  Just an awesome performance.  More.  Please.

3) Alex Rodriguez – You were the one hope for baseball and you’ve gone and fucked us all.  Why?!  Another book is coming out to trash you and your affinity for steroids.  I also heard that your “friends,” your “comrades” had a little nickname for you.  Bitch Tits, was it?  Sure, we’ll stick to that.  It’s a classic.  Way better than “A-Rod” too.

2) Somali Rapper – “Your ghetto gotz nuthin’ on my savanna, biznatches!”  At least that’s what I expect him to say.

1) Texts From Last Night – I usually don’t like to brag about the things I did last night, but if you’re going to give me a medium in which to do so… I’ll reconsider.  Some of this stuff is great.  For some reason though I can’t get mine to load:

(Pipez) Rollerblading is super-duper hard!!!
(S. Rex) Congrats on coming out of the closet.

- S. Rex: Professional Blogger

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