ESPN is Mean, Girls

Does anyone else feel that ESPN is Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls? Before I launch into the analogy, let’s get one thing clear – you watched Mean Girls, and you liked it. You pretended not to, or you said “I’m only watching it for Lindsay’s big Lohans”, but you actually liked it. It was funny and sweet and made you think of your high school experience. Having the talent pictured below didn’t hurt. But you liked it, and you probably cried a little. If you can’t admit that to yourself, then you’re too gay to function. That’s a joke from Mean Girls, and you know it because you own the DVD even if you hide the pink box behind 300 and The Dark Knight.

On to the rant, right after a short picture break…

Raise ur hand if ur a slut.

ESPN really is like Mean Girls. First it was cool and unassuming and had big tits and was knowledgeable of African tribal customs. But then it let success go to its head. It launched 40 channels, hired talent away from everyone else with the Yankee formula of doubling the next highest bid, started running all sorts of ridiculous cross-platform promotions, and wrote some really mean shit about everyone else in a burn book. Si.com is a dyke. Fox Sports is a crusty little biatch. Yahoo Sports deals drugs. Why would you say such things, ESPN? I used to think you were so cool, but now you’re just like them. I hope you can have a group therapy session with a trust fall at the end. Raise your hand if you are a slut. Being honest with yourself is the first step to recovery.

Since ESPN isn’t ready to admit that they’ve become what they despised, I’ll tell you, dear readers (THE Random Mom plus the other person) what bugs the shit out of me about ESPN.  First, in the interest of fairness (on the interwebs?  Unpossible!), I’ll tell you what I do like.

Yaaay ESPN!

• Everything they’ve done for sports over the years. Seriously.  They made sports cooler and gave us permission to be sports junkies with no shame.  You can’t underestimate how important this is to the modern male psyche.
• Tuesday Morning Quarterback.  Word.
• Truehoop and its affiliates.  Henry and his boys put in work and they’re a must-read.
• Draft Coverage.  Hot damn if they don’t kill themselves for that.  Best non-holiday day of the year.
• Some Original Programming.  Black Magic FTW.  Through the Fire?  Not exactly Hoop Dreams.
• Bill Simmons.  My thoughts on the subject are clear.

I’d already drafted this rant when Simmons did his podcast with John A. Walsh, but in listening to it I realized that some of the anti-ESPN vitriol is well-deserved.  They try to run everyone else out of business ala Microsoft.  But some of the hate isn’t.  We as Americans do tend to cheer for David and hate Goliath, even if Goliath is just misunderstood.  Should they stop trying to take over the world?  I’m not sure.  Are we better off because they’ve raised the bar? Yes. Why do I care that ESPN isn’t humble and self-effacing? I don’t know, but I do. Enough soul-searching, let’s get to flaming.

Booo ESPN!

Commericals Within Programming. You’re all nodding your heads.  Wherever the line was, and however hard the execs at ESPN thought about each advertising /programming decision, at some point they crossed the line and then pooped on it.  Now SportsCenter is like those Russian nesting dolls: a commercial inside of a program inside of a commercial.

Breaking News. Listen, if a mock draft changes because someone heard something from someone else’s video assistant, it isn’t breaking news. All a mock draft is, is a guess at who teams will draft. It isn’t a real thing! Greg Olson’s reaction to the Cutler/Orton/8 first round picks trade isn’t breaking news. Brett Favre’s interview about how he is feeling emotionally today isn’t breaking news. Brett Favre deserves his own section.

Brett Favre. Seriously, what el fuck? I’m all about man-crushes, but the last few years you stuck a dead rabbit in Mrs. Favre’s stew, ESPN.

Legal Analysis. Michael Vick killed a bunch of dogs. He’s probably going to jail. Plaxico Burrus shot himself. He’s probably getting probation or a few days/weeks at most. Do we really need ESPN outside of the courtroom every day? What purpose does that serve? Breaking News – ESPN’s Roger Cossak reports that the judge explained voir dire to the jury. Breaking News– ESPN’s Roger Cossak reports that the one of the defendant’s lawyer’s paralegals has a cold and will be out today. Breaking News – Fourth and Fifty reports that ESPN confused itself with Court TV. Speaking of, why did Court TV even continue after the OJ case?

Fake/Real Personality Fights. Are you trying to make Mel Kiper quit so you don’t have to pay his pension? Or do you really think the McShay/Kiper blood feud makes for can’t-miss programming? It probably does, you sick bastards, you created a sub-sub-sub genre. Like the NFL Draft wasn’t niche enough already. I will say, I did enjoy the Salisbury/Clayton fights, especially when Salisbury would draw cartoons of Clayton. Can’t find it on youtube, sadly. Other than that, I don’t give a damn about two overpaid white guys yelling at each other regarding something with no real-world importance. Again, I’m not even talking about the draft itself, I’m talking about the pre-draft cottage industry. The whole thing is how they feel certain players and whether teams are going to live up to their standard. If people tune in to watch this, well, we also watch monkeys defecate at the zoo.  (The poop counter is at 2.)

Overpaying for Talent. Or in Rick Riley’s case, overpaying because you got drunk and lost a bet. Don’t give me any of that “what the market will bear” shit. NPR nicely covered the paradox between individual incentive and collective gain, pertinent to both business and sports.  Privatized gains and socialized losses, that’s the way of the world these days.  Before I lose the two readers who didn’t think they were reading Paul Krugman, let me just say this – overpaying for something is almost always bad, because it hyperinflates the market for the next similar thing. That’s why the Texans had to pay $20 million for Jacques Reeves. Or maybe that was also a drunk bet.

Stifling the Sports Guy. Listen, if Simmons doesn’t have autonomy to take shots at whomever he wants, he really doesn’t have anything else. It’s his dice roll. Let Dick Vitale et al get booty-hurt. If they can’t take a little good-natured ribbing, then the terrorists have won. Dick Vitale still on TV actually does mean the terrorists have won. Yes, I haven’t yet quit Simmons. I can’t quit him.

Steven A. Smith.

ESPN Deportes.Wasn’t it ironical that I didn’t say anything about Steven A. Smith?  Ironical.  Re: Deportes – I have no problem with the concept, but why can’t you put some of the Telemundo girls on as anchors? Vota Ya! If you told me that there were some Venezuelan girls who weren’t supermodel hot, I’d believe you. You don’t have to put them on TV to prove it. ESPN, you’ve already sold your soul. Would this be that much worse than everything else you’ve already done? Are you worried it will compromise your integrity? Really?

The Cross-Promotional Synergy Crap I Mentioned Earlier. I love going to espn.com to watching a video clip of something. I love the four commercials that play before the clip.  I love how when the clip finally does play, it is a Sportscenter clip that plugs espn.com.  When this happens I lose 10% of my brain and get that Keanu Reeves look on my face.  Woooah.

There is a lot of other stuff, but you’re tired of agreeing with me. Go to NBA TV – they won’t get big-time enough to sell out for another 14 months or so.  I hear the NFL Network is stepping up, but U-Verse only seems to work for like 3 people.  Other than that, your options are limited to si.com, which is Sports Canada (i.e. America Junior), Fox Sports which thinks it is totally sweet in a PG-13 type of way, and the internet, which is great…for porn.   You missed that song, dear reader, and you’re welcome.

I don’t hate you, ESPN, you just need to have an intervention and get back to your roots. I’ll be waiting at the trust fall. Raise your hand if you’re a slut.

Pictures:

1http://sportsmediajournal.com/wp-content/uploads/espn%20devil%

2http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2006/04/27/fondue_meangirls_wideweb__470x349,0.jpg

3 http://s3.amazonaws.com/colourlovers.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/espn-jordan-jump.jpg

4 http://www.thermocaster.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/espn-you-suck.jpg

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