April 30th: Houston Sports FaF Smear (Rice Football Tryout)

The one where I try out for Rice’s Football Team.  Seriously.

 

Pwnage coming ur way at Left Defensive End!

 

I was inspired by the story of 23 year old James Casey mailing a shirtless picture of himself to Rice and then getting a scholarship.  So I sent the following letter to Rice on Tuesday.  Everything in the letter is true.  I haven’t heard back yet.  Maybe they’re having trouble with the broadband -its been raining quite a bit.

Dear Coach Bailiff,

Inspired by James Casey, I’d like the chance to walk on to your football team as a defensive end.  I’m 30 and went to college for 8 years, but still have all of my eligibility.  I’ve attached a shirtless picture of myself (ED NOTE – pic at bottom of post) to this email.  Here is my scouting report:

Height: 5’9″

Weight: 185

40 Time: 5.2

Bench: 220 6 times; max 270

Shuttle: Not Sure

Experience: 14 sacks and 3 hurries in the 2001 UH Intramural Flag Football season.  Led the team to the championship game, but we got beat by a team with a QB who looked just like Warren Moon, with the premature balding and everything.  That guy was fast.  You should probably recruit him, too.

Signature Move: Every time I’d get a sack (by grabbing the flag), I’d spike the flag on the ground.  Then I’d feel bad, pick the flag up, and apologize and give it back to the owner.  I think this speaks to my high character.

You can clearly see that I’ve got the football bona fides and also the locker room/classroom intangibles to make a substantive contribution to Rice University and the football team.  I’m willing to walk on the first year, but naturally am going to want a full ride and pretty regular “alumni handshakes” after that.

Thank you for your consideration,

Theodore R. Guy

On to your local Houston Sports Updates:

Rockets: OMG u guys btr CIO (close it out) 2nite!  Nobody wants to see a game 7.  Other things we don’t want to see: Brian Cook.  ktnxbye!

Zoo: My point of personal privilege this smear.  It’s less opinionated and ranty than the Obama thing.  Tuesday Morning Quarterback, an absolute must-read, gave us this nugget:

In economic news, facing a budget crunch, the Bronx Zoo will lay off dozens of animals, including bats, caimans, porcupines, lemurs, night monkeys, Arabian oryx and two types of antelope. I am not making this up!How is a caiman supposed to find another zoo to work at in this economy? And the oryx, are they in the country legally or should they be deported to Arabia?

I have an RL (real-life) friend who works at the Houston Zoo, and he assures me that they’re not downsizing any monkeys.  Yet.  This recession hasn’t bottomed out, so you monkeys better start updating your resumes.

Texans: We’ve at FaF have been so excited about the Cush-Lash experience that we’ve neglected to mention that the Texans signed two undrafted running backs, Arian Foster and Jeremiah Johnson.  These could be good pickups, especially if their youtube videos are any indication.  That’s how I give out my player grades.

MMA Tally Ho: Every week, I recap The Ultimate Fighter in hopes of riling Wanks to challenge me to a pistol duel.  This week started with Andre Winner (pronounced “Whiner”, those Brits are so weird) vs American Santonio Defranco.  Santonio has a heroic back-story, but it doesn’t matter because he fell into guard and Andre smashed his face in.  Then the Americans got butt-hurt and had an intrateam catfight for half of the show.  Way to rep your country, fellas.   The second fight was American Damarques Johnson vs Brit Dean Amasinger, who looks like a feminine Mr. T, if that is even possible.  DMJ by triangle choke, and I’ve never seen someone tap as fast as Dean.  He almost lost his tea and his crumpets.  Thank the American Jesus we got a win.  USA: 1.  UK: 2.

Astros: Got shut out 3-0 by the Ohio Communist Party again last night. And here I thought we were inching toward mediocrity.

Coogs: Playing the nerds in baseball this weekend.

Aeros: Playing the Milwaukee Admirals tonight.  Has anyone else noticed that minor league hockey team names seem to have nothing to do with their city?  They’re all mad libs.  Compare and contrast the Houston Rockets/Comets, which makes sense in the context of NASA, with the Milwaukee Admirals.  Does Wisconsin have a strong naval presence and recruiting system, by which seamen become commanders become admirals?  Does Milwaukee have a high per capita admiral quotient?  I don’t get it.

Rice: Missing out on the best thing that could ever happen to the program (this is the picture I submitted).

Theodore Random Guy, ass-kicking DE

(Rice pic from the nerd database: rice-08-masthd-left.jpg.  My photo from: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2190/1494677166_384d5a217e.jpg?v=0)

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