UH Announces Athletic Director Search Finalists

In a FourthandFifty.com exclusive, sources at UH have leaked to us the top five candidates that UH has chosen for the Athletic Director position. The search committee focused on many different criteria, but the largest factor was independent wealth so that the meager salary would not be a factor in taking the position.  Please note that we have tried to contact other officials at the University of Houston, and no one else could either confirm or deny these rumors.

Dikembe Mutombo: Sources tell us that the candidate was interested in the position after leaving his current position as a Houston Rocket.  His qualifications include fundraising to build a hospital in his native country, a connection to all african pipeline of athletes like himself and Hakeem Olajuwon, and the signature finger wag telling someone to get their weak ass stuff out of here. However, the committee is said to worry about the health of Mutombo’s knees, and the risks of him constantly traveling back and forth to Africa.

Mr. Manhattan: Sources tell us that Mr. Manhattan has grown bored of both his ridiculously hot wife and living on Mars, and has decided to tinker in the world of athletics. Manhattan is obviously the smartest of all the candidates, however, has not been much of a people person and has no experience fundraising. Also, the committee was a little repulsed by Mr. Manhattan’s dong, and worries that it might scare away some potential donors, as well as attract unwanted donors.

Bernie Madoff: Sources tell us that the committee was impressed with Mr. Madoff’s ability to convince people to give him money. He sold the committee on numerous ways to invest the money that was donated to the program to get it to “work for them.” However, his jail sentence and fears that he might use monies donated to improve the athletics program for personal gain worry the search committee.

Mark Cuban: Sources tell us that Cuban is a leading candidate because of his high expectation levels and his passion for sports. Cuban would undoubtedly help the program with his own money, and push for upgrades like team jets with PlayStations. The committee likes Cuban’s philosophy of putting an exciting product on the field, and trying to sell as many tickets as possible. However, there are questions about his ability to fundraise, and committee fears that he might be too outspoken, pushing away possible corporate sponsors such as Dairy Queen. Also the committee was quoted as saying “fuck Dallas” and “dancing with the stars is gay.”

Bruce Wayne: Sources tell us that Bruce Wayne is the leading candidate for the position. The multi-millionaire playboy is often seen at high dollar social fundraisers, which is thought to be a positive factor in his own ability to fund raise. Bruce is rumored to have plans to replace 5 Star [the underqualified security company that UH employs for special events] with his own elite security teams. He also believes in state of the art facilities, gadgets, and equipment to help the athletes gain an advantage on the field. However, Bruce is said to have left his interview early, seemingly before the bat signal was seen in the sky. No word yet on when his second interview will be.

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