Daily FaF Smear (4/23): Donkey Ball and Blazernation is Too Cute

The one where Donkey Ball washes over you.

Wow.  Let it wash over you for a minute.  The perfect sport.  There is nothing more to say.  Not that that has ever stopped FaF before.  This sport has the highest TRG rating of any sport ever, a 98 out of 100.  What type of superalgoritmic statistical analysis did Daryl Morey and I invent to come up with the TRG score?  Here is the dummy’s version (the real version is so beautiful and transcendent it would do this to you).  Basketball starts with a baseline of 50.  The donkeys are plus 30, naturally.  It is played at a middle school. Plus 5.  Plus 2 for the existence of corporations whose sole purpose is to rent the donkey athletes.  Snowbirding donkeys gets another 3 points, although I’d undercut the shit out of them if I were an opposing donkey.  Fuck you, snowbirders.  Plus 5 for PETA’s opposition.  The last 3 points is because insurance companies actually carry Donkey Ball liability policies.  Only in America.

The universal dislike of PETA is interesting.  Everyone agrees that there should be a (pun alert!) watchdog because animal abuse is a bad thing.  But no one likes PETA or respects them.  Are they a necessary evil?  Do we need them on that wall?  Or do they deserve ridicule and scorn because of all the stupid-ass publicity stunts they’ve pulled over the years?  Oh wait, that was a great stunt.  The point is, when I gave Donkey Ball 5 points for PETA drinking that Haterade (or is it called “H” now?), you all nodded silently.

In other news, The Ultimate Fighter finally pitted country against country to settle my grudge match with Wanks “Can’t Touch the Queen” MacGruber.  Sadly, Brit Nick executed a jolly good high kick and knocked American Mark the fuck out.  Next week, Wanks.  Tally Ho: USA: 0 UK: 1.

Last “above the fold” item: you Blazers fans are too cute for words.  Yesterday we posted a piece empirically proving that Joel Przybilla is a taller version of titty baby Matt Harpring, which should be self-evident to anyone not living in Oregon.  Hey Joel, you’re a millionaire – buy a vowel for your last name so my spell check doesn’t keep breaking.  Now, as this is the first time Portland has been in the playoffs since the Y2K bug it is understandable that there would be a backlash.  It was very cute the way Blazernation politely disagreed with the points, and that you took the time to provide evidence to the contrary.  You’re well behaved young men and your mothers should be proud.  (On an unrelated note, here is what I did last night.)  If we were playing the Jazz, FaF would have received death threats.  But y’all didn’t even curse.  I’d like to tussle Blazernation’s hair and give you a nice shiny nickel for some candy.  

On to your H-Town Sports Updates.

Rockets – Next game is tomorrow evening, as opposed to the 2 am Western start times for games 1 and 2.  On one hand, we split on the road.  On the other, a lot of Houstonians are talking themselves into the virtues of T-Mac, much like a teenage girl talking herself back into her cheating boyfriend.  I hate self-promotion (actually that’s the exact opposite of true), but in terms of the playoffs I told you so.

Comets – Still dead.  If a tree falls in the forest, and if that tree had really big lips, it was probably Tree-na Thompson.  And boom goes the dynamite.  I’m not going to even link it because the market for that clip is saturated.  Dropping knowledge bombz on u foolz.

Texans – Cheerleader tryouts.  You’re welcome.  We’re no better than that Extra Spicy Honey Mustard site on si.com.  Then again, we never claimed to be.  Please Texans, just draft Clay Matthews out of USC or John McClain will go all Vince Young on us again.  I swear to God, I’d rather have a steroid-using unproductive white linebacker than be subjected to that shit again.

Astros – Won 6-5 over the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles.  As opposed to the other Los Angeles team which actually doesn’t play in LA.  We’re now 2-48 on the season.  Good job, LaTroy Hawkins!  

Ninjas vs Spartans – Ok, it’s cheap, neither of these is Houston-centric.  But dood!  It’s ninjas v spartans! Whomever is in charge at SpikeTV is either a neanderthal or a genius.  Or both.  I say ninjas ftw with their poison darts.  Sharks with laser beams beat both, obviously.

Aeros - Bomb bomb bombed the Rivermen 3-2 in OT.  Jolly good job chaps!

Dynamos – Ok, maybe I don’t pretend to understand football classico in the least, but the Dynamos don’t play again for another few weeks according to their schedule.  The next game is at the start of the 2nd trimester.  Yes, that was a pregnancy analogy to illustrate that soccer isn’t a man’s game.  And yes, I’m aware that the team isn’t called Dynamos, but our IT guy at work won’t drop it.  I’ve got your back, IT guy at a Houston company that shall remain nameless!

University of Houston – Golf didn’t go too well for us.  7th place?  UH has a long and rich history of golf with 16 national championships and famous alumn from Fred Couples to Don Johnson’s character in Tin Cup to some other guys I don’t recognize but am sure Moose Knuckle is getting a woody just thinking about.  In fact, I almost didn’t put this blurb in the Smear for fear of awakening El Knuckle from his hibernation and subjecting us to 5,000 word treatises about who finished third in the 1962 Masters or whatever.  Go cover a real sport, like the long jump:

Real men of genius.

Rice University – Breaking News – Nobody gives two shits about Rice.  Feel free to do to yourselves what this guy is doing.  My Rice antipathy can’t be properly conveyed in this medium.

(First photo and story from the elitist liberal media New York Times which hates America and freedom and democracy and heterosexual procreation that God intended.  Second photo from jeffthetriathlete’s private collection at http://forums.rotoworld.com/index.php?showtopic=32808)

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