The FaFU: A guide to everything in sports (and otherwise) that needs a bit of levity. To achieve this form of high-brow criticism we use a mix of CAPS LOCK, unnecessary cursing, and a ton of links that NONE OF YOU EVER CLICK ON!!!1@1!! If you don’t like it you probably deserve an elbow to the groin. For those about to read, we salute you…
10) Arsenal v. Liverpool - I’m heavy into this whole ESPN Streak for the Cash thing. Do you know what I know a lot about? Nothing. I don’t sports. I meant to write it that way. Don’t judge me. But, hey, 3-pick streak!! No need to make it “interesting” Arsenal. I picked you to win or draw and you have to go and give up a goal in the 90th minute to make me sweat only to score one of your own. Fuck you… and thank you.
9) Linda Hogan - Seriously? You’re overreacting to what you’re calling a “death threat.” Death threats are what Reginald Blackstone issues to out of order commenters. His actions are warranted. You don’t come to our house and talk bad to us unless you expect your lawn to be ablaze with your screen-name the next night. Hulk Hogan just wants to give you a hug (with the not-blunt end of a knife).
8) ICCM (Whatever that is) - Dudes who created the intro to this website: http://www.iccm-1.org… Ummm, not mad atchya. You mind doing a little work for FaF? Wait… WHAT THE?!?!?! You’re a tax shelter for churches??! What kind of shit you trying to pull here? Unless……. Is there a possibility that we can create the “Church of Fourth and Fifty” without signing up for a first-class ticket to hell? We hear they serve beer there and everything, but we’re not really interested in spending an eternity there.
7) Astros - We had a little talk last week, didn’t we? Now, you’ve since posted a couple more wins. And, I’m perfectly willing to blame Joe West for one of those losses. I’m still ashamed though. Fuck you, I don’t want a summer looking forward to a losing record.
6) Languages Other Than English - I don’t understand you. Literally. I’m not very smart. I only have room enough in my brain for two or three curse words from Spanish, Italian and Gypsy. That’s about it. And once I start getting into the Eastern Bloc… well, it all ends up sounding the same to me (Watch the brilliant video below). Just call me Septimus “Ignorant American” Rex. That being said, Spanish, give me a call… there’s this girl that I need to impress.
5) Philadelphia Flyers – Down 3-1? Come on Flyers! You’re the only reason I pay attention to the NHL playoffs. You’re the only reason that I accept the fact that the NHL playoffs continue into the beginning of summer. Don’t let that fantasy die. Pull it out. Somebody take a pipe to Marc-Andre Fleury’s knee and get it over with.
4) Cartoon Propoganda – Don’t get on to me about politics. I dislike them. Intensely. If there’s one thing I hate more than politics it’s propoganda perpetrating politics (that’s a lot of aliteration). If Joe Camel is wrong then so is Newly Frugal Guy. Ah, just kidding. Talking bags of money with a cigar hanging out of their mouths are great.
3) NBA Playoffs Schedule - At this point, it’s way too late in the evening and the playoffs are still going on. NOT TO MENTION, what the hell is with having TWO DAYS off between consecutive games in the same city? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! These are professional athletes we’re talking about, right? I would say that it was because you didn’t want to double up any of the game times, but the Lakers are playing concurrently with the Rockets right now. FUCK. Figure yo’ shit out, NBA.
2) Hardwood Floors - We are in the 21st century, correct? What’s with these hardwood floors that are constantly ending the careers of our beloved. Why can’t we be playing basketball on some sort of space-age material like we should be? Wood is sooooo B.C.. I understand you’re utility. You make me laugh (a lot) sometimes. Stick to being ornamental and decently funny commercials.
1) Being Totally Rad - I’m sorry Fourth and Fifty readers. But, I have to admit. Sometimes I’m too cool for school. You can tell by my less-than-stellar GPA. There is a long list of reasons that I am cooler than most of you. For example: Let me tell you about the things I did last night. Did you click it? Did you click it?! BLAMMO!! I hereby give myself the top FaFU honors for the week. It was worth it though.
- Septimus Rex
