THE Random Baby’s Playoff Pics; BJ Raji; Ultimate Country Update

THE Random Baby is almost 3 months old and the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. She’s also a sports psychic. She correctly picked the winner of the Junie Browning – Cole Miller fight (she took Miller by submission, which happened in the first round). She also correctly picked Sextus (not Septimus, learn your Latin) and his Orc army over my Space Marine army in Warhammer 40K. She pooped twice during the game. I think that gave the Orcs inspiration.

So now she’s going to make her NBA playoff pics, and if she’s right more than 60% of the time, we have a college fund! If she’s under 40%, we might need a place to live for a few months. Here is how it works – I say “Baby, do you like Team X? (pause) Or Team Y?” For empirical validity I always pause and use the same intonation with both teams. She responds by smiling, cooing, frowning, etc.

I had a talk with my manager El Rat about using a real pic of Random Baby with a Rockets’ cap because she is so much cuter than any of the stock photos I could find. Besides, who can identify a baby? But then we thought better of it, this blog being a virtual house of sin and all. If we’d used a real baby picture, it would’ve been Ron Burgundy’s milk. Yes, that is going in every post from now on.

Here are THE Random Baby’s first round playoff pics and my thoughts on each.

Cleveland over Detroit (sports or the economy? Art imitating life)

Boston over Chicago (because their defense is wicked smaaat)

Orlando over Philly (Kurt Warner’s God loves him some Superman)

Miami over Hotlanta (man-crush candidate D-Wade tries to do it solo)

Lakers over the Jazz Flute (both teams can eat cat poop and like it)

Denver over Hornets (great R-R-R-R-Renaissance year from B-B-B-B-Billips)

Dallas over San Antonio (hopefully the building falls down on both teams)

Portland over Houston (Random Baby? How dare you!)

I tried three separate times to get THE Random Baby to change her Houston pic. I even bribed her with a second reading of Goodnight Moon. Where did I go wrong as a parent?  I do respect that she is sticking to her gut . Let’s hope she gets 7 out of 8 right.

Next subject – B.J. Raji. I love how the media makes such a big deal of players using marijuana in college. In college, THE Random Baby Momma lived across the way from a bunch of UH’s football team. Good ole’ Cambridge Oaks. You know what they did every Friday, Saturday, and other days that end in “y”? They got their drink on, and their smoke on, and tried to go home with something to poke on. Not surprisingly, that was the 0-11 season. The point is – if you smoke marijuana in college, do you know what that makes you? A college student.

Now if Raji smoked before the combine that would make him a total dipshit. Did you forget to not do drugs a week before you’re tested? What are you, Drew Barrymore from 50 First Dates? Quit forgetting shit, bitch! (Ur welcome, El Rat, now stop bugging me to use your dumb analogies. Although it occurs to me that by putting this in I just gave you positive reinforcement. Dammit.)

But then again, I’m not sure how bright you want your defensive linemen to be. They’re playing a position whose brute trauma force is equal to several car wrecks, and they’re almost guaranteed to lose mobility later in life and maybe even die young. That’s my theory as to why Frank Okam will never amount to anything – he is too smart not to realize that a) he can play hard and suffer tremendously in his quality of life after age 27 or b) not play hard, still make ridiculous sums of money by a normal person’s standard, and have a great life afterward. Football purists talk about how Okam “doesn’t get it”. He gets it, but you’re just too dumb to understand how much he gets it. He’s all Wesley from the Princess Bride and shit. Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? Morons!

What’s lastly is, The Ultimate Fighter didn’t actually have country vs. country this week. They needed American replacements for Mr. Herpes and the guy who couldn’t make weight, so there were only 2 fights to see who would move into the house. One guy knocked himself out and the other was Junie Browning’s little brother. Those guys make THE Random Hometown of Lexington, Kentucky proud. Next week starts the real action. Wanks, you’d better be trembling in your galoshes.