Mocking the Draft: Preparing for the draft at home

Mocking the NFL Draft is a column running weekly until the NFL Draft, in which Pipez literally* puts on a Mel Kiper wig and discusses the tough issues surrounding the draft.

I'm only in town for one night, let me know if you're down to ride

Let’s face it, the NFL draft is the most important football day after the superbowl. It’s where college and the pro’s meet for one glorious night and make sweet sweet love (and then the NFL is stuck with the offspring, until then NCAA calls again with its yearly booty call).  So what is your job throughout the Draft?

To invite all of your buddies over to drink beer and watch the draft in your man cave. This is not like a superbowl party, in which females can be involved to watch the commercials and halftime show and talk really loudly over the important parts. This is a day filled with pure testosterone and shit talking.

The first step in this process is for one guy to step up and host the party, and this requires three things. Number 1, a decent venue to watch the draft with ample seating and a state of the art theater system (because I can’t watch Jet’s fans boo in low-def). Second a willingness to provide some sort of array of chips and dips. While it is acceptable to ask people to bring beer and larger food items, you must produce chips and dips it’s man law.

Third, and most importantly, you must initiate the draft day party email thread well in advance, so that everyone has time to RSVP. And by RSVP I mean spend countless emails insulting one another until everyone is offended and you aren’t sure who is going to show up, because its rather difficult to sort through 72 emails to find the 4 in which people actually declared whether or not they would be able to attend.

So, what makes the NFL draft so compelling other than the excuse to talk about football during the off season? The excitement of who will fuck it up, and the microeconomics that make up the mini-economy that is the draft (read draft day trades).

Draft day trades are the best! The real reason why, is not that it is unexpected and ground breaking every time. No. It’s that all your friends at your draft party are like your football team, and you all secretly wish you could trade one of them to pick a new guy for your team. You usually want to trade the guy who is married, bitches about showing up to stuff and bails all the time,  and tries to be the best at exercise.

But this is why you would be the second coming of Matt Millen. This guy is crucial to team chemistry. Who else can be the butt of all your jokes (because that’s where he likes it… Zing). You would trade him for first round draft picks and probably keep picking recievers who keep failing.

So continue your draft day email threads, you are almost there!

* by literally we mean figuratively