Daily FaF Smear (4/13/09)

The one where we’re going to talk about sweeping generalizations instead of specific instances.

What is his "hockey" you speak of?

I know that the obvious topic for the FaF Smear should be about some guys swinging some clubs for four days to win a thing called “The Masters.”  Moose Knuckle has covered that to the fullest of his abilities.  But, let me digress a bit and talk about some other men swinging clubs – “sticks” if you’ll indulge me – for their own shot at glory.  Yes, let’s talk about hockey; the NHL in particular.

As I type this out it occurs to me that Fourth and Fifty has had it’s fair share of hockey coverage last week.  The Frozen Four does that to people.  None of you probably read it anyway.  “Well, la dee freakin’ dah.  The Bemidji Beavers are an underdog.  G-R-E-A-T.  Let’s get back to good ol’ American football… wait, did someone say ‘beaver?’“  Is pretty much what’s going through your heads when that was on your computer screen (Blackberry, iPhone, papyrus, et al.).

I’m not done yet, loyal legion!  The NHL playoffs are upon us.  And, because I am the omnipotent master of this here Smear we are going to talk a little bit more about the sport of pucks, sticks, boarding and Zambonis.  I’ve also decided that you are all ardent Philadelphia Flyers fans.  It has been written; so let it be done.

Our favorite team has fallen from its lofty perch, brethren.   They will not have home-ice advantage in the first round of the playoffs.  Something must be done to correct this injustice.  They submitted to the hated New York Rangers yesterday to hand over the coveted 4th seed to the wunderkind, Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Pirates.  It will be a rematch of last year’s Eastern Conference Championship which Pittsburgh narrowly won thanks to some help from home-ice in that series.

To make matters worse the ever-lovable-loathed Sean Avery happened to be the man to tie up the game at three.  He might be the only current hockey player that the layman knows mostly because he had some of the most hilarious and ballsy statements about other NHLers going after his “sloppy seconds.” The one person in Dallas that (sometimes, maybe) reads Fourth and Fifty knows what I’m talking about anyway.

But, no worries, newly minted Flyers fans, I will be keeping you updated on our team’s trek through the playoffs.  Tune in to Versus (what’s that?) to watch most of the action.  Or, Maple Leaf Pub (on Elgin) is the only bar in town that I know of that delights in hockey.  You can go there. Just try to cheer softly if the team you’re backing is playing against the Canadiens (that’s the team in Montreal).  I once had a French Canadian fellow offer to “knock my block off” for wearing a Flyers shirt.  Then he laughed, patted me on the back, drank his Molson and told me about his pet beaver (wait, did someone just say “beaver?”).

Up ahead are your Houston sports updates (plus, hopefully, some Aeros coverage):

Texans – I came across a post on a blog called Grant’s Tomb about Forbes’ list of best NFL teams in regards to the players they draft.  It’s in pictures which makes it easier to understand for me.  I only read on a 3rd grade level.  Blame Philadelphia’s public school system.  The Texans are first!  Woo hoo!  Cham-PEE-ONS!!  (hmmmm, that doesn’t seem right)

Rockets – Team officials are hopeful that Yao will be back in the line-up for the game against the Hornets.  I say, “fuck it.  Rest the man.  He deserves it.  Plus, the longer Deke is on the floor the better my odds of getting a finger wag.”  But, then again, I know nothing of this “playoff positioning” you speak of.

Astros – Let’s be reminded that the Astros lost to their own farm system team, the Corpus Christi Hooks.  Now, let’s look at the most current slate of games against the Cubs and Cardinals.  See?  Losing to these professional teams doesn’t seem quite as bad.  Does it?  The Astros are off to a tremendous(ly bad) start at 1-5.  One win.  Five losses.  And a bitch ain’t one.

Aeros – Told you there was going to be Aeros coverage.  I don’t lie (enough).  Houston will be seeded 3rd in the when the playoffs start on Wednesday.  Unfortunately, the AHL playoffs don’t have nearly as many teams participating.  A third seed means they travel to Peoria (really?) for the first-round, best of seven series.

University of Houston – Yikes!  That’s a pretty sweet pun of a headline.  I don’t really want to continue to pile on the Houston Chronicle, but I have a feeling that Murph would have figured out a more eye-catching title (get it?)… DAMN!  I’m going to go wash my mouth out with soap now.

- Septimus Rex

[Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images]

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