The FaFU: Bill Simmons, HBO, Flutter, et al.

The FaFU: a guide to everything in sports (and otherwise) that deserves to have its mind blown by propaganda and punched in the face by a brass-knuckle coffee mug.  It’s in descending order because FUCK ascending order lists.  For those of you about to read, we salute you…

Why don't I have one of these yet?

10) NBA Drafters – How can you tell me that Tyler Hansbrough isn’t the overall #1 pick in this coming draft?!  The man pisses INTENSITY!  I once actually saw him piss the word intensity in a snow bank – very common in North Carolina – and he did it in one stream in all capital letters.  Do you know how hard that is?!  There was an exclamation point between each letter. I!N!T!E!N!S!I!T!Y!

9) HBO – Stop keeping your shows to yourself!  I can’t bear the fact that I can’t watch Eastbound and Down (the following links should be considered NSFW because of language) on my own TV at home without having to pay a gazillion dollars.  This is funny stuff.  There’s cursing.  There’s a washed up major league pitcher.  There’s intensity (see above).  Don’t hide, Home Box Office.  Reach out to the masses.

8) Animals - Wear some clothes!!!  If I can’t walk around, swinging my nuts to and fro then what makes you think you get that luxury.  Cover those puppies up!  We don’t need to be seeing that.  Children look up to you.  I wanted to be a squirrel when I grew up.  A squirrel that lived at the University of Houston.  I can’t even believe that I made such claims.  I’m disgusted with myself.  Let Michael Jordan get his “Hanes on you” for goodness sake.

7) Bill Simmons – You were always the anti-ESPN-ESPNer… What happened?  Why did you turn on us?  We supported you.  We read your blogs columns.  We delighted in your mailbags.  We supported you when they hired that bloviating schmuck Rick Reilly… Now you’re doing podcasts with him?  You’re turning back to the man that we recognized as the enemy, shaking his hand and giving him a hearty slap on the back.  I can’t take it anymore!

6) Hipsters – You think you’re better than me?  You THINK you’re BETTER than ME?  I can smoke American Spirits and buy MacBooks just like you can, fuckers.  And you know what?  I do it with style.  I shuffle my feet down the sidewalk in clean sneaks and after a shower.  You should try that out, the shower.  It’s quite delicious.  But now, you have to sit around pouting and pretending your cool and sipping your non-corporate latte.

5) Ade Akinbiyi – I’ve been hyping you for WEEKS now.  Why can’t you play a game?  I refuse to believe all the youtube hubub until I see it myself.  You’re making me out to look ridiculous.  The readers want to know what all the hysteria is about.  Well, I don’t have a fucking clue now do I because you refuse to put on your jersey and play a game.  Are you washed up?  I don’t know.  Do you still have a few goals left in your tank?  Hell if I know.  Do something.

4) Vegas – Why can’t I live there?  Why don’t I earn enough money to take a private jet out there on a whim every weekend?  Craps tables call me, laugh and then hang up.  It’s a cruel world.  But, as long as you inspire badass looking movies I’m cool with it.  Any movie that has Mike Tyson jamming to “In the Air Tonight” is good enough for me.

3) One Shining Moment – Every year?  Every year!  Same tune, different video.  I fall for it every time.  I think to myself “this is going to be the year that I don’t weep like a little girl.”  You know what happens?  I cry like a baby.  Or, at least I think about crying like a baby.  I think I cried/thought of crying less the time my nuts got caught in my oven door (don’t ask).  Let’s make a deal, OSM.  How about you start making an MMA One Shining Moment that’s all badass with broken bones and choking submission.  I need a One Shining Moment that makes me want to punch through a brick wall not turn me into a blubbering idiot.

2) Flutter – Dorks do not need to have jokes.  Dorks have pocket protectors, thick-framed glasses and manga porn.  There is no time for jokes while your waiting for a 12-sided dice to land and give you a chance to cast your chastity spell (or whatever, I’m not a dork so I don’t know).  Don’t be trying to make dork parodies.  Leave the parody-ing to the experts – like Fourth and Fifty.  We know parody and fake interviews.

1) The FaFU – WHY ARE THERE SO MANY VIDEOS AND LINKS IN THIS DAMN THING?!?!?  I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO LOOK AT ALL THESE HILARIOUS LINKS.  THIS IS THE MOST SELF-IMPORTANT POST EVER!!!!  YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO CREATE A HYPERLINK!! YES I DO!  IT’S EASY!!!! STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF IN THIS POST, SEPTIMUS!  YOU’RE AN ARROGANT ASSHOLE.  FUCK FACE.  NO YOU’RE THE “FUCK FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  HAPPY EASTER, READERS.

- Septimus Rex

[Wicked, awesome photo from designboom]