They told him the press buffet was open to everyone after all.
This isn’t going to be a Drugs Are Bad pitch. I think everyone with half a brain on them knows that smoking pot will make your eyeballs explode at this point in life. However, there is a certain group of individuals who just don’t seem to get it. Yes, I’m talking about you NFL Draft Prospects.
Each year, hundreds of physical specimens such as the beauty above go through the NFL Livestock and Rodeo Combine and are tested in dozens of ways to make sure they won’t embarrass a team by turning out to be a serial killer, or worse, not being able to swivel their hips properly. And each year, one first round lock gets busted for their drug of choice, generally marijuana. B.J. Raji (awesome name) is this year’s winner. He was projected as a first rounder, possibly a top 15 pick after a strong Senior Bowl performance. He does things like this.
Now, since this happens every year, you would think that the majority of players who have worked their entire lives to turn themselves into the cream of the football-playing crop of athletes, they would know that the NFL doesn’t look kindly on people using illegal drugs, and that they occasional do random drug testing. Said drug testing is not so random when they collect players together in order for team’s to adequately assess their abilities and character. It’s a fucking guarantee they will test you. Yet, players each year continue to take a break from the rigors of working out for people in the hopes of earning many millions of dollars, to roll up a fattie and drift away.
You people are fucking idiots.
Wait a few weeks. once you’ve gotten picked at number 7, you’ll sign your contract, and Jerry Jones will deposit a large signing bonus into your Compass account, in exchange for your soul. You will then be able to buy enormous quantities of weed, smack, coke, uppers, downers, laughers and screamers to put you in the right state of mind to attempt to try to block men like this or this.
But seriously, if you do find it absolutely necessary to use drugs before you sign a huge contract, take the proper precautions. Use someone else’s piss, so that you can make it through the draft relatively unscathed. You don’t want to end up like Warran Sapp, who slipped down the draft board, had an awesome career in which he dominated his position, won a Super Bowl, and then ended of player for the Raiders and appearing on Dancing With the Stars. A cautionary tale of the perils of drug use, indeed.
- Wanks MacGruber
Image from Deadspin.
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Everything deserves more Fear and Loathing vids…
I think we all know if you smoke pot you will become the MVP of the Superbowl (Santonio Holmes), win Heisman trophies (Ricky Williams), or win countless GOLD medals in the Olympics (Michael Phelps). It’s a performance enhancing drug, therefore it is banned.
Is there anyone other than the authors of this blog that comment? You are like a bunch of douchebags at Pearl Bar trying to one up each other to make each other feel good about themselves. Get some readers!!!
What am I? Chopped liver?
I think the funniest thing is that http://www.shahin.com is an actual website…
Oh, and go fuck yourself.
Would you prefer we were a bunch of douchebags at Red Door? Or how about Volcano? Or how about… actually, I don’t know any other places. I can tell you exactly what Babies R Us carries for their spring catalog, though.