THE Random Guy: Pau Ming

RE-Introducing THE Random Guy, a man who was born to rant and rave about everything and nothing in particular at the same time. He came to me and said “Oh, master, Septimus.  I feel under-utilized.  You’re fucking with my chi.  Post me and I won’t let you down.”  Lo and behold, he doesn’t:

Yes, my photoshopping skills know no match.

Before I start, I re-read the rant before submitting (first time for everything), and it came across as apologetic for Pau Gasol.  A platonic apology, not an “I’m sorry” apology.  If you don’t know what that is, pay attention in high school in your next life, because you failed this one.  Let me be clear – I don’t like Gasol or any other metrosexual Spaniard.  You know what metrosexual Spaniards do?   They lay back in the cut and wait until you go out of town.  They they hit on your girlfriend by playing the guitar and singing some fucking Dave Matthews song with their accent.  Whether it works or not, they see nothing wrong with it, because “life is love” or some shit like that.  Brazilians are just as bad, but they are too horny to ever lay back in any cut and defer the possibility of gratification.  So, in conclusion, Spaniards are more conniving versions of Brazilians, and I don’t like either.  On to the rant:

Pau Ming.  You heard me.  Yao Ming is essentially a taller Pau Gasol.  The numbers are remarkably similar, aside from blocks:

• Yao: 19.7 points, 9.6 rebs, 1.91 blocks, 54.9% fg, 33 min, 22.82 PER

• Pau: 18.5 points, 9.4 rebs, 0.95 blocks, 56.2% fg, 36 min, 22.39 PER

But the numbers alone don’t make the argument.  You remember the trade?  Pau seemed visibly relieved. At first I thought it was just that he was leaving a crappy team, but really he likes being the #2 guy much better than the #1.  Much like Pilgrim’s Progress, the burden has been lifted, and he can just be himself.

Go ahead and slam Pau for not having the alpha optimus red belt killer instinct.  Say how, if you had his height and skill set, you’d be dunking on fools constantly and wouldn’t need to suckle from the Kobe tit to get a ring.  Just like you’d do better than your boss at his job.

Here is the thing – lots of folks want to be the top dog, in any aspect of life, and think they can do better than whomever is doing it right now.  You’re ambitious and hardworking, and it doesn’t seem that hard, and the incumbent boss / professional athlete / musician / fantasy football champ / reality tv star is a grade-A douche who is lucky he hasn’t lost his spot from myriad fuckups.

But if you do become the top dog at some point, you start to realize that this shit is really hard.  You can’t have a true appreciation for that until it is your responsibility, day in and day out, to somehow find a way to make things happen with everything going against you.   The overwhelming challenge is exciting and fun at first, but then it never gets any better and becomes a perpetual grind.  You think you’re handling it pretty well, and certainly better than your predecessor, but really you’ve become the same stressed-out asshole that he was, except no one will tell you and you don’t have anything close to an objective self-perception. You wake up one day and realize that you’ve gained 20 lbs and an ulcer, lost hair, friends, colleagues and maybe a wife or two, and don’t really like yourself very much.

There are two choices at this point.  First is to keep going and dig yourself an early grave that no one will visit.  Second is to leave your spot and go find a nice #2 somewhere.  You’ll still work hard and get paid, but you can have some semblance of work-life balance and not everyone will be gunning for you.  If your ego can handle the step down, the choice is easy.  There are a very few dogs that actually are built for the top – the Kobes and the Jack Welches and the Bret Michaleses.  Very few.  Chances are, statistically speaking, that you’re not one of them.  I’m not either.

Bringing it back, Pau thought he wanted to be the top dog, and it was ok for a while, and he even led the Grizz to the playoffs one year.  But then the grind of being the guy year after year wore on him, until he got the option to play #2 to the world’s best alpha dog.  His salary wasn’t diminished, he wouldn’t play less, and he wouldn’t even take a huge statistical hit.  The only difference was, he was moving to a more fun city with hotter women (Rex – insert Megan Fox pic here) [Rex Note: How about a couple more?  Done and Done]and his job would be much less stressful.

What would you do?  Go ahead, say he’s a pussy for taking the easy way out.  You’re 5’9 and played third string point guard on the JV team your junior year, which is exactly like being the guy everyone in 30 cities in America is gunning for and cursing out in restaurants and bars and talking shit about on the radio.  I too thought that Pau was a puss for taking the easy way out, but really he was just being terribly rational.

Now back to Yao.  Yes, he gets fronted a lot.  That is frustrating for any slow big man.   But 3 or 4 shots in the second half?  Really?  They can’t run a pick-and-pop?  The guards can’t swing the ball to the weakside so Yao can roll and pin the fronter on his hip?  I blame this 10% on Adelman and 90% on Yao.  He has to want it.

Or maybe he doesn’t have to want it.  The king wears a heavy crown.  Sword of Damocles.  It’s hard out here for a pimp.  Whichever axiom you prefer.  Maybe he just doesn’t want to be the top dog.

And don’t rationalize it by saying he is a “great teammate”.  He is, but that is different.  The objective of the team is to win, and for the best players that sometimes means taking over the game to the exclusion of other teammates.  Yao is just culturally deferential and when he tries to be selfish it goes against his nature.  He doesn’t necessarily choke down the stretch, but he certainly isn’t clutch. He’s just happiest playing #2.  Team first.  That’s how communists roll.  And maybe that is ok, because neither you nor I would be able to handle it either.  But the problem is, a) communism lost b) we ain’t got no #1, and c) I’d bet the farm on a first round exit where Ron Artest misses 78 of 81 three-pointers because Yao doesn’t demand otherwise.

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