The Texans are winning the SuperBowl this year. Guaranteed.

Because... why not?

How? Why?. Yahoo! says so, that’s how and why.

This article basically says that we are poised to become the next Cardinals, because of our youth, our strong offense, and our general awesomeness. Except for a few things that we need to clean up:

Offense

Apparently, we should have signed Cedric Benson. Because a pot smoker, drunken boat driver is the answer to our backup running back needs. We can find one of these in the draft, where they are a dime a baker’s dozen (that’s right, 13!!!). Also, Schaub needs to stay healthy. I completely agree, because I am so insightful. But doesn’t every player need to stay healthy? Or does it not matter if our entire offensive line went down, so long as Schaubby could still run for his life on every play and hoist the ball to AJ for touchdowns? Works for me.

Defense

We need help at safety.  Just like we have for our entire existence. This is not news.  Us signing a defensive player of some stature would be news…..

Antonio Smith is a man of great stature, at least in girth. And as is the case of life, it’s all about girth. Since he played for the Cardinals when they went to the Super Bowl, he will single-handedly take us to the promised land.

Special Teams

Fuck special teams. Give me high-flying offense and ass-pounding defense any day of the week.

Conclusion

The Texans will win the Super Bowl if we acquire 7-8 new players that all play beyond their ability and no one gets hurt and we get lucky at times and other teams like the Colts play crappy against us and we don’t shoot ourselves in the foot like we do every year. So basically, you better buy your tickets now.

- Wanks MacGruber

[Photo from Bill Baptist/ via Getty Images]

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