Today marks the beginning of the mid-season NBA All-Star break. It’s like the spring break for all the guys who have “real jobs” playing in the NBA. Bill Simmons once called it the “Black Super Bowl,” and as racist as that sounds, its actually pretty true. I, myself, do not get get caught up in dunk contests and games of H-O-R-S-E, rather I am just beginning to pay attention to the NBA. So since my preseason is over, I will briefly go through how slim the chances are that your team wins an NBA title.
Lottery tickets have already been purchased:
Sacramento, Washington, Seattle OKC, LA Clips, Memphis, Minnesota, Golden State
Your teams are the definition of failure. Ok, I take that back, the Detroit Lions are the definition of failure, but still… You managed to win less than 20 games each. You suck, and since all but one team are in the Western Conference, this makes me sad. There are college teams who could beat you. You are the generic pop/pseudo-hip-hop that makes radio unlistenable. No championships for you.
Not bad enough, but still not good:
Toronto, Indiana, New York, Charlotte, Chicago, New Jersey Milwaukee.
Your teams are all under .500 and maybe if you are lucky you can tank enough to get a better lottery slot. I would say that these teams are like the Maroon 5 of the NBA, you have a terrible generic, vanilla rock sound, but because there are bands out there who really suck (I’m looking at you Nickelback), you aren’t as bad by comparison. No championships for you.
Possibly playoff bound, but that’s it:
Detroit, Philly, Miami, Phoenix, Utah, Dallas, Atlanta
You are over .500, and most of you will make the playoffs. You are good enough to beat the bad teams, which is half the league, but the good teams destroy you. You are the bands that sound bad, but secretly everyone has buried in their iPod, because you are catchy, and possibly decent work out music ie The Ting Tings. No championships for you.
We’re pretending to be good, but we have major flaws:
New Orleans, Houston, Portland, Denver
Your record is pretty good, but you know that your team isn’t going deep in the post season, first, maybe second round at best. You are like a band that sounds good at first, and puts out a decent album, but then you realize all the songs sound the same, and because of that the album gets old really fast like the Silversun Pickups. No championships for you.
We have a shot at it:
San Antonio, Orlando
More dominating teams that are 1/2 step below the contenders, for two completely different reasons. One is old, but you can never count them out because they have been there before and they know how to turn it on during the right time (its also an odd year). But you are old, and everyone is waiting for you to perform like it (but you simply will not quit) The other is young and we don’t know what to expect from you in the post season yet. You are very solid bands, that just for some reason don’t qualify as my favorite, but I listen to you all the time like Band of Horses. You have a slim chance of a title.
The Contenders
LA Kobes, Cleveland LeBrons, Boston
No surprises here, you are the favorites. You are in heavy rotation and rock my face off like TV on the Radio.You have a decent chance at a title.
So, now that I have explained the NBA title race in terms that everyone will of course understand and agree with. I will give you your 2009 NBA World Champions….
The San Antonio Spurs
That’s right and I’ll tell you why. San Antonio is saving their best for last like they do every season. They have gotten somewhat younger with Bonner, Hill, and Mason (Mason is also murdering teams at the buzzer). This is an odd year, and they will gel at the right time. I would also like to point out that they will do this for the same reason that I picked them to win, just to piss you off because you hate them. Boston will beat Cleveland, and the Lakers will break down towards the end. San Antonio will beat Boston in the finals.
-Pipez
photo courtesy of NBA.com
