Exclusive Interview* – Michael Phelps

Fourth and Fifty is honored to have Uber-Olympic Champion Michael Phelps on the phone with us today.  We can’t believe that he agreed to do this interview, even though we are being hailed as the “60 Minutes of Blog-o-Sphere.”  Let’s jump right into the questions:

Phelps trying out for the role of Mr. Pink

Fourth and Fifty:  Mr. Phelps, we first want to say what a thrill it is that you are doing this interview with us.  It’s not every day that we get to talk to some one of your stature.  I mean, you’re an Olympic LEGEND.  We couldn’t be more excited.

Michael Phelps:  Call me Michael, dude.  I am but a speck in the infinite cosmos.  Less than a speck.  Whatever is less than a speck, that is what I am.  What’s less than a speck?

FaF:  You’re far too modest.  You have accomplished things that nobody will ever do again.  8 Gold Medals…

MP:  You’re crazy, man.  You’re crazy. Ha ha.

FaF:  So, how has your life changed since the past summer’s Olympics?

MP:  Chicks…

FaF:  Chicks?

MP:  Chik-fil-a, dude.  I could really go for a chicken sandwich right now.  Probably 5 of those bad-boys.  But those cows, dude.  Those cows are crazy, they, like, freak me out and stuff, man.  I mean they can write and stuff… but they can’t write right. [hysterical giggling]  “Write right.”  That… sounds funny…

FaF:  Are you ok, Michael?

MP:  DUDE, absopositively!!

FaF:  Ok.  So, what is next?  How many golds will you be going for in 2012?

MP:  Oh, yeah, man.  I could go for about 25 right about now.

FaF:  25?  That’s insane.  Do you mean total over your career or all at once?

MP:  Dude, those things are Bad A!  You need to try them.  They are scrumpsilecent!

FaF:  Are you talking about those gold foiled chocolate coins?

MP:  Don’t yank my chain, dude.  EVERYBODY knows about those.  They’re grrrrrrrreat! [giggles] I totally sounded like T. the Tiger right there.  They’re grrrrrrrrrreat!  [giggles]  Do you have any? Hold on, hold on… [muffled] dude, dude… hey, can you get 14 bags of Cheetos, 2 boxes of Frosted Flakes, some twizzlers,  a ham sandwich, a reuben and a fish sandwich?  You’re the man, dude.  You fly, I buy. Oh, and a hugemungous Slurpee.  [clear] Ok, I’m back.

FaF:  Michael, is your caloric intake still outrageous or… are you… high?

MP:  Pbbbbbt! No way, duderoni!!  I’m a role model and stuff.  Me? High?!  Pbbbbt!

FaF:  Ok, next question:  Is Amanda Beard smokin’ hot in person or is she kind of a normal girl?

MP:  I TOTALLY GOT YOU, DUUUUUDE!!! [hysterical giggling]

FaF:  What?  What are you talking about?

MP:  I’m SOOOO blazed right now!  I’m so high.  SO high.  Stoned beyond recognition.  I got spinners and floaties and all that shit.

FaF:  Mike, are you sure that’s a good idea?

MP:  [silence]

FaF:  You could lose all that endorsement money if anybody found out.

MP:  But, NOBODY’s gonna find out broskie!  I’m all like, stealthy and stuff.  Now you see me… now you don’t.

FaF:  You realize that you’re doing an interview right now, right?

MP:  [silence]

FaF:  Michael?  Are you there?  Is there a Canadian Football League-type alternative to the NFL?  You know, kind of like Ricky Williams…

MP:  Gotta go [click]

[dial tone]

- Septimus Rex

* = Michael Phelps may or may not have actually interviewed** with us.
** = 99% sure that he didn’t.

[Photo from WSJ]

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