The Super Bowel: 30 Seconds Too Sexy

 “The Super Bowel” is an original Fourth and Fifty daily feature that will run until Sunday. Why until Sunday? Because Super Bowl will be the final movement (you know what I’m sayin’?). Consider “The Super Bowel” to be the precursor flatulence, false reports and contrived stank that is the prelude coverage of big game. Nothing contained herein has any merit. Consider this to be the time you signed up for AdultFriendFinder “just to see what it was all about” and the only message you get is from your fat cousin in Alabama about meeting up.  Good luck letting her down easy, you incestuous asshole.

Miss?  Excuse me, miss.  I asked for a Dr. Pepper.

Yeah, turns out there’s a bit of recession going on out there in the big bad world.  I don’t know what they’re all talking about… All of a sudden a few hundred-thousand people start getting laid off, a bunch of companies start going bankrupt and a couple of bright stars of the American economy post their first quarterly losses ever and everyone starts freaking out.  Recession-Schmecession.  I mean, if a couple of companies can go ahead and pay millions of dollars for 30 seconds of a global audience’s time, we’re fine.  Right?  People are more excited for the commercials than the Super Bowl.  And let me tell you why that won’t matter:

We’re in a friggen recession!  That’s why!  It’s as simple as that.  I need bread… I don’t need to buy domain names at GoDaddy (actually I do need to do that… dammit).  Your girlfriend/wife/misstress doesn’t need to find out that the only reason you bought flowers was because of a Super Bowl ad.  And you know that she will know (you know).  Because, stereotypically, the commercials will be the only thing she pays attention.  I’ve learned only three things in my life: Girls like shiny things, girls like flowers and girls like for you to come up with things on your own (“I don’t know what you did wrong, why don’t you tell me what you did wrong”).  Seriously… I’m letting you know now, that a flower company will be one of the advertisers this year.  Here’s your heads up and the rest of the list.

When you think about it though, why would someone watch the Super Bowl for the commercials?  Why don’t they just wrong a program concurrently to the Super Bowl called “Super Bowl-Type Commercials” and be done with it.  We’re all going to be bombarded by them on Monday anyway when every blog (including this one, probably) runs a poll on which were the best.  You’re going to hear about the friggen Budweiser Clydesdale’s/Frogs/Lizards/Aardvarks so much you’re going to forget who played in the game. 

But you know what you’re not going to hear about?  Sexiness.  And that’s the real reason none of this matters.  You’re not going to see this commercial:

 

Now, granted, this is PETA we’re talking about.  They shouldn’t just be banned from the Super Bowl, but from life.  I’ve never wanted to eat vegetables so much in my life.  No wonder Linus obsessed over the Great Pumpkin so much.  He was just waiting on the veggie-porn to begin.  Bring on the muthafawkin broccoli!  I want to roll around in brussels sprouts when I get home, get showered with peas on my commute, wake up with leaves of lettuce in my wallet…

[takes a deep breath, regains composure]

Phew, I think that moment has passed.  Screw PETA.  Screw them and their SeaKitten propoganda.

- Septimus Rex

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